Nearly 30 years after the first National Coming Out Day, LGBTQ activists said that the emphasis of the observance has changed, but the principle 鈥� the power of visibility 鈥� remains the same. Hear what they have to say and read the coming-out stories of several people in or from the D.C. area.
WASHINGTON 鈥� The first National Coming Out Day had eight events across the country. For this year’s Coming Out Day, set for Wednesday, the number is easily in the thousands 鈥� from outdoor events to high-school celebrations to observances at Starbucks, say two activists from the Human Rights Campaign 鈥� but the point is still the power of visibility.
Candace Gingrich, the associate director of youth and campus engagement at HRC, said that the first Coming Out Day was a way to capitalize on the momentum from 1987鈥檚 Gay and Lesbian march on Washington, which drew hundreds of thousands of people to D.C.
The idea, Gingrich said, was to demonstrate the size of the community: 鈥淚n order to gain support for LGBTQ people, they needed to know who we were. 鈥� Their friends, the family members, their neighbors, their co-workers, their teammates, their classmates.鈥�
It鈥檚 hard to remember how things were in those days, but Ellen Kahn, director of HRC鈥檚 Children, Youth and Families division, said that coming out, and being out, was a risk: 鈥淵ou鈥檇 lose your job right away; you could potentially get beaten up just for walking out your front door.鈥�
Celebrations of the day still may feature people stepping to a microphone in front of a crowd of strangers and announcing their sexual preference, but Kahn said it has evolved over the years into more of a celebration of the idea of coming out, as well as a chance for others in the community to show support: 鈥淐oming out as an ally, or coming out as a family member, of someone who鈥檚 LGBTQ 鈥� it鈥檚 not always easy to do that either.鈥�
Kahn said the HRC observances of the day include a recap of high-profile people who came out over the past year. They鈥檝e also recently held events with gay and gay-friendly celebrities such as 鈥淪tar Trek鈥� star George Takei; Ellen DeGeneres鈥� mother, Betty; and former NBA player Jason Collins. 鈥淚t鈥檚 kind of a platform to tell stories,鈥� she said. (Three of those stories are collected in the photo gallery below.)
Coming out, and being openly LGBTQ, may have gotten easier over the years, but 鈥渢here鈥檚 still a lot at risk for young people,鈥� Kahn said. 鈥淭hey can see themselves on TV; they can see themselves as CEO of Apple; they can see themselves as community leaders looking ahead, but in the moment their lives are quite challenging.鈥�
Various surveys have found 20 to 50 percent of homeless young people are LGBTQ, and the main reason they鈥檙e on the streets is that their families have thrown them out. A 2012 HRC study found that only about half the 10,000 people surveyed were out to their immediate families, and only half felt their families were supportive of them.
鈥淲hile the needle has continually moved toward a better place for young people, every family is different. Every community is different. Every parent reacts differently. Every school policy 鈥� varies,鈥� Kahn said.
She added, 鈥淲e work to balance the message of how liberating it is 鈥� with the reality that if you鈥檙e dependent on your family to house you and feed you, or pay your tuition, or take care of you, you have to really pay close attention to whether coming out puts that at risk.鈥� Some young people may be out to a few friends or go to an LGBT community center, but don鈥檛 tell their parents about their preference.
Advice for young people
She advised that young people who don鈥檛 feel they can come out to their parents should find support from sympathetic counselors at school, a support group in the area or online. And to be patient: 鈥淚f you can sort of manage to get by through high school, then the world can open up a little bit,鈥� and at 18, you can find a new community or 鈥渇amily of choice.鈥�
Kahn said she came out to her 鈥渧ery hip, very cool鈥� aunt first, which gave her a place to go to be herself and a backer in her dealings with the rest of her family. She advises others to follow that lead if it鈥檚 possible: 鈥淐ome out to the one person you know is supportive 鈥� somebody you鈥檙e pretty darn sure [of], or maybe [you think] they already know. 鈥� Then you have that person as your ally.鈥�
At any stage of life, Gingrich said, coming out is a personal decision: 鈥淣o matter what age you are, it鈥檚 your decision when and if and where and how you鈥檙e going to come out. 鈥� This is your journey; you鈥檙e in the driver鈥檚 seat. There probably will come a time when it feels right, and you鈥檙e going to know when it is.鈥�
And it doesn鈥檛 end after one day: Friends and family may know, but 鈥淵ou鈥檙e invited to the first Christmas party at work and you have to decide if you鈥檙e gonna show up with your partner,鈥� Kahn gave as a common situation. 鈥淵ou may be coming out every day.鈥�
WASHINGTON 鈥� Joanna Lohman, a Maryland native and a midfielder for the Washington Spirit of the National Women鈥檚 Soccer League, said of coming out, 鈥渕y process never really ended, and I think a lot of people will tell you that.鈥�
She discovered her sexual preference at age 21 as a senior at Penn State. She was 鈥渆ngaged to a very nice gentleman鈥� when she realized she had feelings for a teammate. 鈥淚 could have had, from societal standards, the perfect life.鈥�
鈥淔or me,鈥� Lohman said, 鈥渋t鈥檚 not a choice. I think a lot of people believe it鈥檚 a choice. And if it was a choice, why would I choose the harder path for myself? 鈥� It鈥檚 a way that my body reacts that I have no control over. I would love to fit in with the majority 鈥� wouldn鈥檛 that be wonderful? But unfortunately that鈥檚 not the path that life has chosen for me.鈥�
Lohman slowly came out to her friends and family; to her parents, the quickness and completeness of her 鈥�180鈥� was hard to deal with at first. 鈥淵ou sort of have to mourn the death of who you thought your child was going to be. And that鈥檚 not an easy thing to do.鈥� Now, though, she said, 鈥淭hey can tell I鈥檓 happy and comfortable.鈥�
Lohman said, 鈥淢ost of the resistance I face is not because I鈥檓 gay [but] because of coming across as more of an androgynous human being.鈥� In many ways, she said, 鈥淚 would say I fall under the typical male qualities.鈥�
Since coming out, Lohman has been an activist and mentor in the community. She speaks on LGBTQ issues, mentors young people one-on-one and is working with a group that includes Mayor Muriel Bowser and soccer star Brianna Scurry to bring the 2022 Gay Games to D.C.
Lohman said that in her world it鈥檚 an easy temptation to stay in a 鈥渂ubble鈥� regarding sexuality 鈥� one she avoids. 鈥淚t鈥檚 very safe to be gay in America in women鈥檚 soccer, so oftentimes women in our league believe 鈥榃hat鈥檚 the point in coming out? I鈥檓 living my life; everyone knows I鈥檓 gay and I don鈥檛 hide it.鈥� 鈥� [But] there are still so many people who live in silence, and so many people who are forced to live a life they don鈥檛 feel safe in. [So] I find it even more important that I stand up for the community. Because the more voices that we hear collectively, the stronger that we are.鈥�
Lohman鈥檚 advice to anyone thinking of coming out would be to take it at a slow, comfortable pace. 鈥淚t鈥檚 something you want to put a great deal of thought into. But at the same time, if it truly is who you are, you want to express that. Because I believe that you aren鈥檛 your best self until you can live really openly and honestly.鈥�
The problem of suicide in the LGBTQ community (a found that lesbian, gay and bisexual high-schoolers were three times more likely to have seriously contemplated suicide in the previous year) comes from feelings of shame and the necessity to hide oneself, Lohman said: 鈥淭o a certain extent, if you are forced to live a life that is so uncomfortable to you, oftentimes you feel like it鈥檚 a life that鈥檚 not worth living.鈥�
On the other hand, 鈥淏eing your best self is such a liberating feeling. And to feel like you are loved and accepted, and that you belong, is such a natural craving for any human being. And really, at the end of the day, that鈥檚 what we all want.鈥�
(Jose Argueta/isiphotos.com)
Jose Argueta/isiphotos.com
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Jacob Tobia, an author and producer who lives in Los Angeles, said coming out was a two-part process 鈥� once as gay, a label 鈥淚鈥檓 fine with,鈥� and again as genderqueer, or 鈥済ender nonconforming.鈥�
The second time, 鈥淚 never really sat anybody down and said 鈥楬ey, I鈥檓 genderqueer.鈥� It was much more about just changing how I acted in the world,鈥� Tobia said recently. 鈥淚 just wore lipstick to the dinner table one day.鈥�
Tobia, who uses the pronouns 鈥渢hey鈥� and 鈥渢heir,鈥� came out as gay as a sophomore in high school, though they鈥檇 known since fifth grade. It鈥檚 a lot to ask a person of that age to define themselves, Tobia acknowledges: 鈥淭he idea of coming out assumes that you fully understand who you are, but you鈥檙e hiding it. And sometimes 鈥� and I think increasingly for young people 鈥� we just discover our identities out in the open, and explore who we are out in the open, for everybody to see. And I think that鈥檚 incredible; I think it鈥檚 a healthier way to do it.鈥�
Young people are generally loaded with confidence, Tobia argues; it certainly was true in their case.
鈥淲hen I was a kid, I had no shame about it innately. I was just 鈥業鈥檓 gonna play dress-up and I鈥檓 gonna look good.鈥� 鈥� And then the world kind of made it so I had to put all that away. But I think there鈥檚 a way to spin the world so that I didn鈥檛 have to put away my gender in the first place, in order to rediscover it. I could have just had it.鈥�
Most of the time, Tobia pointed out, kids have that kind of confidence in most spheres of life, but it鈥檚 pushed out when it comes to sexuality and gender. 鈥淲ithout a closet, there鈥檚 nothing to come out of. And we can just stop making a closet. No one is born in a closet. We put people there.鈥�
As such, Tobia hopes that someday 鈥渢he classical narrative of coming out鈥� will be obsolete and envisions 鈥渁 world where a 15-year-old guy can just come home to his parents and say, 鈥極h yeah, Ted and I are dating now,鈥� and it鈥檚 can just be the same level of 鈥極h my God, my kid is dating,鈥� not 鈥極h my God my kid is gay.鈥欌��
Tobia advises young people to contact The Trevor Project, a nationwide hotline for LGBT young people, as well as going to any of 鈥渁 zillion different blogs and places you can go online.鈥�
To people of all ages, Tobia added, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e totally not alone, and you don鈥檛 have to think about this on your own. And you don鈥檛 have to think about this in a vacuum. There are so many people you can talk to about it.鈥�
(Photo courtesy of Jacob Tobia)
(Jose Argueta/isiphotos.com)
Josh Dixon, of D.C., recognizes now that he was in a better situation than most people when he came out, but even then it wasn鈥檛 easy.
鈥淚 went into it expecting the worst-case scenario, which was so far off of reality,鈥� said Dixon, 27. He added, 鈥淚n hindsight, in the environment I was in, it was not a big deal. I was in California, at Stanford, one of the most diverse and inclusive schools and environments one can ever be in, so it was more or less getting over me and any hesitations I had.鈥�
Still, Dixon, 27, said there was fear to overcome: 鈥淵ou develop relationships and friendships and you assume that 鈥業 am perceived as one thing when I am actually another.鈥欌�� If there is a negative reaction, 鈥淚t鈥檚 hard to swallow, because that鈥檚 a lot to lose.鈥�
Dixon was a gymnast on the powerhouse Stanford University team when he came out in his junior year. He first confided in an old teammate from the U.S. Junior National Team, which Dixon first joined at age nine, who was also 鈥渘ewly out,鈥� Dixon said.
That experience was 鈥渘othing too crazy.鈥� Next up was telling his teammates and friends, then his family. Meeting a Stanford teammate who was 鈥渟uper out,鈥� Dixon says now, 鈥渟howed me what it was like to not have it be a big deal. I had to have that conversation with myself, and that was interesting.鈥�
Dixon tried out for two Olympic teams and retired from gymnastics in 2016. He came to D.C. to work for U.S. Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto and now works as a consultant in the private sector. Some of his confidence came from his family situation 鈥� he and two older sisters are adopted, and of several ethnicities. 鈥淚 have a very diverse family,鈥� he said, and added that his Bay Area upbringing was a help 鈥� 鈥淵ou grow up accustomed to being accepted, whatever you are. And I鈥檓 proud to say that鈥檚 the culture of most of California and most of the Bay Area.鈥�
He was also a major contributor to the Stanford team 鈥� he remembers thinking, 鈥渋f there is any fallout, I honestly don鈥檛 care, because I鈥檓 still very good at what I do and I鈥檓 still contributing to this team.鈥�
It鈥檚 not like that for everyone, he acknowledged: 鈥淚 鈥� realize it鈥檚 a unique situation to be in, because not everybody has that luxury.鈥�
He advises anyone who鈥檚 questioning their sexuality to 鈥渞each out to those who you know have gone through it,鈥� whether they鈥檙e personal friends or prominent figures.
鈥淕o online. Go to different Facebook groups. Reach out to publicly out figures. If it鈥檚 in the sports space, reach out to other who athletes you鈥檝e seen and read about. The reception within that community is very strong, because at one point we were all there ourselves.鈥�
(Photo courtesy Josh Dixon)
Rick Massimo came to WTOP, and to Washington, in 2013 after having lived in Providence, R.I., since he was a child.聽He's the author of "A Walking Tour of the Georgetown Set" and "I Got a Song: A History of the Newport Folk Festival."
