WASHINGTON 鈥� It鈥檚 no secret that new babies need extra care and attention from their parents 鈥� from skin-to-skin bonding in the first few weeks, to snuggles and stories before bed.
But it turns out, that intense closeness is critical well past the first few months of a child鈥檚 life. Babies need it for the first three years聽鈥� especially from their mothers.聽
Several years ago, psychoanalyst and parenting expert started noticing a trend among American families.聽
鈥淚 was seeing an epidemic level of emotionally troubled children who were really suffering from the absence of their mothers on a daily basis,鈥� said Komisar, citing an uptick in conditions such as ADHD, early childhood aggression and social disorders.
鈥淎nd it鈥檚 just getting worse,鈥� she said.
All the research pointed Komisar to one thing: the critical role mothers play in the first three years of a child鈥檚 development.
Why mothers? It鈥檚 science
A mother鈥檚 physical and emotional presence provides babies with two things: protection from stress and emotional regulation, both of which are important to healthy brain development and the child’s future well-being.
鈥淭he way that we become resilient to stress is that our mothers protect us from stress in the first three years, from moment-to-moment throughout the day,鈥� said Komisar, author of 鈥�.鈥�
鈥淚f our mother isn鈥檛 there to protect us from that stress that we feel, then it doesn鈥檛 lay the foundation down to be resilient to stress in the future.鈥�
And while care and concern from both mom and dad is important, from a biological perspective, it鈥檚 not interchangeable. Komisar says when mothers and fathers nurture a child, they both produce a hormone called oxytocin.
鈥淭his is what we call 鈥榯he bonding hormone鈥� or 鈥榯he love hormone,鈥欌�� Komisar explained.
The oxytocin mothers produce during bonding makes them more sensitive and empathic nurturers. Whereas the oxytocin that fathers produce in the same circumstance makes them more playfully stimulating and 鈥渆ncouraging of children to be independent and explore.鈥�
Komisar says both are needed in a child鈥檚 first three years, but children require much more of the sensitive and empathetic nurturing.
鈥淪o the more you鈥檙e with your baby, the more you鈥檙e present, physically and emotionally for your baby, the less stressed that baby is and the less stressed the mother is,鈥� Komisar said.
What this means for women who work
For many women, bonding with our babies around the clock simply isn鈥檛 a possibility. According to the U.S. Department of Labor, women make up 47 percent of the . Many women return to that workforce before a child is even 3 months old.
Komisar is also a working mother, and understands the dilemmas and demands modern women face. She emphasizes that her book, 鈥淏eing There,鈥� is not about working vs. not working, since one can be physically present and emotionally checked out.
Rather, it鈥檚 about prioritizing children during the first three years. That is why she tells all mothers that 鈥渕ore is more.鈥�
鈥淭he more time you鈥檙e with that baby, the better off that baby will be,鈥� she said.
For working mothers, Komisar advises to take as much time off as possible after birth and to push the limits on what you can take.
鈥淎s women, advocate for yourselves and push the boundaries as much as possible even in the hours that you work,鈥� Komisar said.
If possible, scale back from full-time to part-time. If that鈥檚 not an option, make the most of the time you spend with your baby at home by limiting distractions. Komisar says to leave your phone, tablet and computer by the door when you get home, and don鈥檛 pick them up until the baby goes to sleep.
When looking for a caregiver, forgo the high-achieving, 鈥渢ough love鈥� nannies and hire the caregiver who is the most loving toward your child.
鈥淚n modern day society, we tend to look for competence. We look for the baby sitters and nannies who can organize our closet, or cook, or food shop or clean efficiently. I say forget all of those things, because the most important thing is if that person is really emotionally and physically present for your baby,鈥� Komisar said.
Another tip she offers working mothers is to keep things in perspective. It鈥檚 possible to make sacrifices in the workplace for a few years without derailing your entire career.
鈥淚f we鈥檙e all going to live as long as they say we鈥檙e going to live, then you have many, many years to be high-achieving in your profession 鈥� to make lots of money, to have great material success 鈥� but you really have a very short time to have this critical influence on your children鈥檚 emotional well-being.鈥�
The need for change
Komisar says the obvious answer to help mothers be better able to care for their children during the most critical years is a change in policy.
鈥淎s a society, we really don鈥檛 respect mothering,鈥� Komisar said, noting that the U.S. lacks a maternity leave policy.
鈥�We have something called The Family Leave Act: This is not a maternity leave policy,鈥� she added.
Komisar says while an 18-month leave, like the maternity policy available in Sweden, might not be attainable for the U.S., six months should be.
鈥淲e at least need to have six months of paid maternity leave, another six months of partial paid maternity leave, and another two years of flexible schedules for mothers,鈥� Komisar said.
